8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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