my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
