I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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