I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
