does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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