meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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