I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
