Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
