I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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