You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
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