Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
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