We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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