I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
