Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
do you remember the random banging on my door at 3 am wearing 2 budlight cases as a dress
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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