Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
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