Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
