Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Randomize
