he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
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