I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Randomize
