Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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