Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
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