mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
