he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
