She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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