I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
