Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
