Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
