I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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