My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
