Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
