Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
