I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
