woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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