overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
