i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
