In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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