I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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