you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Randomize
