I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize