Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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