Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
So much Jack, so little girl.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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