Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
