It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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