You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
