Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Randomize
