There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
