My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
