Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
What do you think she thinks of us?
I think she thinks we're whores... but ya I think she likes us
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
