There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Randomize