We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize
