i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
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