I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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