Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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