Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
