I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
