mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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