For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
