I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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