I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
