Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
