the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Randomize
