how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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