dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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